Nov 21, 2009

Growing Up

I've been thinking a lot lately. The silence on this site, sadly, doesn't mean that I'm writing a lot elsewhere right now, and that's been getting me down. I was in a rare funk for a bit, which my partner noticed. She mentioned her concern to me, but I didn't know what was going on.

I don't seem to really tackle these feelings head on - often they are fleeting, but I've been told, particularly by my live-in better half that I have a tendency to focus most on what's immediately in front of me. I denied for a while, but you know? When I look back on my years of work, of experiences, of failures, triumphs, WTF moments, and friends who have gradually fallen off of my map, I realize that there's more truth there than I wanted to admit.

So I'm thinking more, and I'm trying to figure out what is most important. The internet eats up hours, stressing about things we can't change in a day at work and otherwise takes up mental and emotional space, and time keeps on ticking. Effective people stay focused, even if not with a tunnel-vision that makes the journey just a means rather than an end. I have the confidence to recognize my voice is unique, important, maybe even funny sometimes. But sometimes we get too caught up in the paths not taken, enit?

I've had a blessed life, all things considered. It's funny though - when do you turn the corner and accept that some of the things you imagined of yourself will not come to pass? When do you give yourself the really hard look and say "this is where I'm at, this is where I'm going, and all the rest were options that I didn't choose"? I've always been the youngest in a group - and the transition to the oldest in a group seems odd to me.

Of course, seeing people who make later-in-life decisions gives me good hope, so I am coming to terms with "middle-age" in a new way. Funny as that sounds, I think it's a good thing. Dawdling on minor dream tributaries that were passing thoughts as a clueless post-teen is a waste of time.

I have shit to do.

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